This week was an incredible accomplishment. I went to 3 weddings in two days and made it to everywhere without hurting anyone's feelings which was the point. I wanted to make everyone feel like I thought of them and found them important. My friends are wonderful. They are a blessing. Everything really held together well this week, and somehow I knew it would. It always does.
So now I'm broke as hell. Spent a good $100 on gas this week to get PAs to weddings and to get to Brian and Amy's to practice for music at Ben and Mallory's wedding. It's all over and done now which is a relief. Tuesday, drive to Eugene to practice, spend the night at Brian and Amy's, Wednesday get the PA and drive to Salem to drop it off, pick up another PA, drive it to Corvallis, wake up Thursday to drive back to Salem to rehearsal, spend the night in Stayton, Friday's two weddings in Salem, drive home to Corvallis, drive back up North of Monmouth for wedding number 3 on Saturday. I'm exhausted.
I hurt my heal when going to the river Friday and I've looked like a cripple since. My foot hurts, alot. I don't like it when people feel sorry for me. I've tried a walk it off mentality and it just hasn't been good for my poor foot. It's just been really painful. Walking isn't a load of fun.
It's hard to play a wedding and bust out a whole bunch and work your ass off to make things happen for people just so they don't feel let down. It's really takes alot out of you. Brian seemed frustrated that we worked all that much for a gift of a zippo lighter. Something that would inevitably sit in a drawer and occasionally light candles or cigarettes. More of a novelty than anything.
Today was a long day. A day of ex's. EVERYONE's ex's.....so it seems. B. Hall asked me why I was going to the wedding today. It's a question I ask myself now. Sometimes you sacrifice in order to let other people know that you find their friendship valuable. Something like that. It was a weird sight to see. It isn't the easiest thing to run into a ton of people you wish you wouldn't have seen or that you don't share common ground with. High school folks, tons of people from all over, different circles. No one I ever gave a the time of day for. Younger people than me pregnant. Couples married that you never knew ever got married and you wonder how the hell that it all happend. So in short, or in long I should say, we went to Casey and Lauren's wedding after wrapping things up with the other two weddings from the day before. It was awkward. It was difficult. It was a big giant awkward fest. At one time, Chelsea once spent alot of time with Casey, I guess they were dating or something. Beats me to what happened. I don't really talk about it much. I brought up Casey on our first date as small talk and called him "31 flavors" because the poor guy had a new girlfriend every other month so it seemed. He's dated more girls than I can count and really ended up hurting a whole lot of people. It's just careless, but I forgive the guy. He really is a nice guy. It just is a whole weird load of a mess. It was difficult because there were people who kept on seeing Chelsea and me saying, "jeez, last time we saw you you were with Casey....*awkward silence followed by a laugh*. To make matters more incredible Margaux was there. I don't think she expected me to have a girl at my side. It was awkward introductions and weird conversations the whole night. Lots of wishing I could have left. It was just really horrible watching Chelsea watching the wedding, the ceramony, the way Lauren and Casey danced wondering what it could have been like if that could have been her in Lauren's shoes. It was just difficult to watch Chelsea looking at the newly married couple dancing and wondering what she's thinking. I have dried up confidence. I can't dance. It made me really feel like a second best. I walked into a brick wall this evening and spared my nose but hurt my heart. I ended up at the open bar drinking wine and smoking cigarettes by the car with Mark Cleaver. Looked to talk about music, The Kinks write wonderful tunes. I reccomend the song "Waterloo Sunset". I think it's the most gorgeous tune Mr. Davies of the Kinks ever wrote. I tried to really avoid thinking or even feeling because all I could really do is wonder. It made my heart sink.
I need to get some sleep because I'm just tired. Prayed alot this week to try and get through. William looks like he got a job. I'm SO thrilled for him. Brian and Brianna are married. Pleased beyond all belief! Ben and Mallory are together as well. It's good to see. I love them all very much.
It's just been a tough week with a very difficult ending. I left Chelsea's house with a heavy heart tonight and ended up washing it down with a Beck's 24oz and a cigarette on the top of the hill, talking to my brother. He's a good kid. I'm glad to have him there for me. He's always been a good friend to me.
To top this whole load of bullshit off I have a 5 day workweek this next week. Sarah left a note on my bed about how Beverly doesn't do anything at the bookstore. I'm totally aware of this. It's a frustration that plagues me every day that I work or don't work. If I work I have to fix everything Bev screwed up, and if I don't work I have to endure 3-5 phone calls a day from her cause she has the memory of a mouse. I went to Book Bin in Corvallis today and was jealous of the fine bookstore that they get to work in. It's frustrating. So frustrating.
I tried to listen to my Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young records tonight but it turns out my fucking turntable is broken and slows down randomly. I got so frustrated I nearly broke down. I'm going to go to sleep.
I also finally checked my voicemail for my mobile. 28 messages in less than 72hrs. I am taking a day off from my phone. I need a day to not stress out.
I need an alone day. Tomorrow is officially my alone day.
I'm sick and tired of my heavy heart.
It's difficult to hope. Faith is even more difficult.